The long way home - my journey with Thomas Merton

I am here at Gethsamani Abbey in Kentucky fulfilling dreams that started to appear when a friend gave me A Year with Thomas Merton: Daily meditations from his journals compiled by Jonathon Montaldo in about 2008. From that I went to Merton's book New Seeds of Contemplation published in 1948. And then I was hooked!

Finally I was hearing words that spoke to me about my life. I, too, was a crazy wild sheep in love with brambles but I did not believe anyone was coming to cut me out of them. Like the Tar Baby I was stuck! But here was Thomas Merton saying that God never gets tired of looking for me and all I have to do is "Stay Found." Could this possibly be true?

I would love to say there was an overnight epiphany and suddenly I was set forth anew on a life of faith and prayer. Sadly this was not the case! There was no earthquake to break open the rock. It was more the unrelenting drip of water with an occasional shower of rain that wore away my protective covering. I came to value silence and solitude. First there were reflection mornings and days and then three day, five day and even eight day retreats.

In 2013 I took my biggest leap and travelled to Guelph in Ontario Canada for 40 days of retreat including Preparation Days, the "Four Weeks" of the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius Loyola and five Disposition Days to prepare us to return to our ordinary lives.

As I look back now I realised that I approached this time as a sinner who deep down believed that God could never really love me. Just as I had never been "good enough" for my parents I was sure that the only way I could please God was by striving to achieve perfection.

Ten days in, I thought I was going to fail "First Week" where the goal was to meet God the prodigal father as the repentant son. I got the sin and the repentance. I knew my need for forgiveness. I just did not feel worthy of God's abundant love.

However, at this time God invited me to leave my warm bed around 6 am to come to the point of sunrise. I complained that it was dark outside, but God just laughed, "that's the whole point of sunrise." As I finally located the east, the first faint pink glimmers in the dark sky and a mauve blush on the distant hills confirmed that the sun was indeed rising.

God said: "Stretch out your arms Angela as far as you can. Imagine that you are a little child and put them behind your back until they touch. Remember saying to your girls, 'that's how much I love you.' Well thats how much I love you! You are my beloved daughter and I delight in you. Be-loved Angela."

Now the water sprang from my rocky heart as tears of joy coursed down my cheeks. I now knew myself to be unconditionally loved by God. This didn't cure me of my selfish ego-driven tendencies but it did give me a place to come home to. When I 'missed the mark" God did not condemn me. God said, "It's alright. I forgive you."

And later in the retreat when the "Wiley One" came calling with memories of shame, my Grandmother Spirit popped up quite fiercely and said, "Don't you ever let anyone tell you that you are not worthy. These were not your sins but those of an evil sick man. You are always worthy my beloved granddaughter. Jesus made it so."

This may seem like a long and very personal prelude to my visit here to Thomas Merton's Abbey. In my defence, and as the number of Merton books on my shelves attests, Tom has become my dear friend and spiritual companion. He and I share some personal characteristics such as needing the approval of others to affirm our achievements, quick judgement of those who don't fit our ideological framework and a tendency to let our bodies be the excuse for selfishness. And because Tom lets God work with and through these failings to create poems, prayers , art and photography of great beauty and teachings that speak to me of Love, I too have hope.

Here in this Abbey where prayer and silence have permeated the very stones for over 175 years it is easy to see why Tom was able to come close to his God, inspite of, or more probably because of, the structures and practices that defined (and at times confined) his life.

I am offering you a gallery of images from Merton's downtown ephiphany on the corner of Fourth and Walnut (now Muhammad Ali Boulevard) in Louisville (pronounced by the locals as Luville), the Thomas Merton Center at Bellarmine University and the Abbey of Gethsamani, an hour's drive out of Louisville.